Comments on: How to Nurture Talent (Without Being a Psycho Parent)

By: djcoyle

djcoyle — Mon, 06 May 2013 21:46:58 +0000

Hey Randy, Thanks for sharing that — I love it. Navigating the Parent Issue is the toughest thing coaches deal with. Your players are lucky to have you as their coach. Best, Dan

By: Randy Hoffman

Randy Hoffman — Mon, 06 May 2013 19:16:43 +0000

Daniel Coyle,
First off I have been enjoying many of your blogs, especially about the parent-player relationship. As a soccer player growing up I always felt that most of the time my parents were pretty laid back with me when it came to instruction (mostly because they did not know much about the game). However now as a coach, I coach an under-9 girls soccer team, I am seeing much more negative involvement from parents, much of it is instructional demands after a performance. I don’t allow them to coach during matches or training. With that being said I devised a “positive notebook” at the beginning of our season, mostly because I knew realistically it would be difficult for us to win a game. Probably because most of the girls on my team were a year younger than the opponents. My main purpose was to get the girls to create good habits at accepting failure as a way to improve, to facilitate a positive environment for them, and also to make the ride home from the games a bit more positively interactive with parents. I required that the girls write in their book immediately after the game with 4 topics: one thing that the team did well, one thing that they did well, one thing they can focus on during the next week of training to improve, and their mood. Oh, and the very first page we sat down as a team and wrote in team goals and personal goals for the upcoming year. This proved to be extremely effective for my goals, and very rewarding and gratifying for me as a coach. After every game, win or lose, the girls would run to me and ask “Are we writing in our journals today?” and at practice they would bring their journals and ask if they could write in them. This was a great tool that I implemented for them and I could see that even through loss I knew I could get far more out of them then I could with a win. We ended up winning one game last season and the results of the book had remained the same with the only difference being an overwhelming “happy” mood when we did win. However much to my pleasure I noticed that the girls, even when losing, would easily find themselves in a happy mood if they felt they played well or the team played well.
My goal of this was achieved when I knew parents would read the journal (if their kid allowed them to) and see that the players were relatively happy and cognizant of what they knew they did well and what they could improve on. I hopefully opened the eyes of parents into realizing that their negative instruction would only lead to decreased performance over time but on the flip-side if they were positive with the children that the players would be more motivated to do well next time (motive to succeed v. motive to avoid failure). Also I saw an increase in the players attention during practice and an overall happy vibe when we would play. Thought I would share this with you. I am learning a lot from your blogs and I have your book “The Talent Code” on its way to me in the mail. Cant wait to read it.
Thanks!!

By: James

James — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 23:59:02 +0000

You guys who say that the “coach who scares you a little bit” is not good advice are framing the “scary” part in a negative way, and that’s not what the author intended. Instead, he says in the LBOT, page 33, that the fear factor comes from the coach who watches you closely, is action oriented, and is at times unnervingly honest. These traits are all too rare these days, so by their very nature are at once a bit unsettling and also engender respect.

By: Tom

Tom — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 15:40:04 +0000

the coach who scares you a bit i believe does not mean one who is going to stand and scream at the child until they cry but is infact someone who will not always give in the the child ensuring their needs are put first instead of just pleasing them by allowing them to do their wants.

As anyone who coaches should know, it is vitally important to be adaptable to both the group and individual and also being able to mix styles together to provide the best experience for the learner

By: jamie

jamie — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 01:35:46 +0000

I like all of this except the “coach who scares you a little bit.” The best coach is the dynamic one (especially with younger kids). They can be light with the kids between games/drills and before and after practice. Then they are also capable of mixing the coaching styles of command/authoritative with guide and discover methods.

I would say that telling people to seek out a coach that scares you a little, is poor advice. You should be seeking out a coach who commands respect when the games/drills start up. Often times those coaches who scare you a little are the ones who are living and dying by the result of their team..

By: djcoyle

djcoyle — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 20:20:19 +0000

Good point, David — especially for younger kids.

By: David "the golf" parent

David "the golf" parent — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 01:17:48 +0000

Awesome article !

One different point of selecting a coach
Or teacher for our kids.

Our experience is that the kid must have chemistry
Between the kids and the teacher or coaches!

Scary coach will not work with our kids especially,
When they’re before teens.

By: Tom

Tom — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 16:09:38 +0000

Agree with Wendy above, one of the most simplistic ways of expressing this to parents regards developing. Repetition over victories is something i am a big believer of in my coaching sessions. Getting the children to see repetition itself as a victory is the best part.

By: Doc

Doc — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 15:30:54 +0000

I remember growing up in Florida and that there were 15 to 20 of us kids in the same neighborhood and we had access to the now extinct “vacant lot”. I remember the competition being as intense as any I experienced in high school or college but seldom knew who “won” the game because we were continually changing players around to make the game even. Each play or pitch was our competition. Too often today the fans aren’t happy unless their team is annihilating the other. Sports won’t have it right until every game or match goes down to the last play or last second and unfortunately that will never happen. I think kids need to be able to compete at least some of the time with no coaches and no uniforms and their own rules. Maybe they should hang out with the skateboarders for a while.

By: Robert

Robert — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 08:46:58 +0000

Your also make an assumption that people need to struggle to value the learning and apply it. Its due to the culture and social enviroment you grown up into assumes this is how you learn as you only need to be X good due to the comparison involved to other people around them.
The kid will mimick their parents or some rolemodel. Once they are given their reached criteria of either matching their comparison vs the rolemodel/parent/etc…or if they struggle with it they then quit continue the progress in both cases.

Once this is directed towards an inner evolution of them expressing the value towards their own progress then it always work.
Adults then tend to go with instruction that they struggle with due to it fit their beliefs about learning you must struggle or else they aint matching their criteria for learning.

That is what happens to any extra successful indvidual as they continue the progress beyound what the cultural or social expects of them due to them are able to contain within them a continued progress due to them apply it to who they want to become. since they never reach that they continiously improve and never stale out.